#goddddd i (nuanced) my parents. god fucking damnit i know they care i know the school cares but this is not a care that can be helpful to m
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#freeze response is all well and effective until youve been sitting in the same position staring at the same spot for a solid ten minutes#goddddd i (nuanced) my parents. god fucking damnit i know they care i know the school cares but this is not a care that can be helpful to m#because i cant take an offered hand and i am too prideful to ask#and i hate to struggle in front of an audience! so i will live with my hate and fear and guilt and shame until enough time has passed#for me to be rid of them. i know i need help for fucks sake i of all people know best that i need help.#but every time i have seen a psychologist i have come out drained and angry and tired#and with everything going on. i dont want to waste myself on something that probably wont even help#if anyone irl finds out that i have npd or bpd i will get dragged through the muck for being Like That. the stigma is high enough.#nobody is going to be nice about it. obviously. every problem i have had is my fault. i self impose my own social isolation. (irl that is)#im not going to tell myself to a stranger who does not understand and will report my every move to people who care about/cause my pain#however the good thing is. they cant make me talk. the power of silence is excellent.#“[second deadname] dont you think you should get some help about that [redacted]? if there's a problem you should deal with it”#you cannot say that when every fight in this fucking family ends with me going to comfort my sister and dad going to comfort you#and then promptly pretending it never happened. you can't tell me not to ignore my problems you fucking taught me to#anyways. i am going to finish my homework and ragework on the mama animatic and probably pass out in class. again.#personal posts
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